inks

Fearless

2012-01-30T14:27:00.001+01:00

I can't stand my work. I can't live without my work. Or my sofa. I really, really need my sofa as the only thing heavy enough to keep its constant spot in the space-time continium. And my piano. I have only had it for a few months and can't really play but a life without a piano is a sad, empty life.

I can't stand the cold. Or the heat. My favorite season is the one that is not too cold and not too hot, not too damp and not too dry. My favorite place in the space-time continium is not the one where I am. It's in a different reality, not even a parallel one.

Fear has no volume, size or weight. Volume, size or weight are fearless.

Reality check

2011-12-07T20:57:00.000+01:00

Компютърните игри развиват стратегическото мислене и фината моторика на пръстите. Виждаш някой от лошите, някакъв неврон за стотни от секундата изпраща информация до показалеца, прицелваш се, клик и лошият се размазва с кръв и трясък на монитора.

На мен като малка не ми даваха да играя такива игри. Имах една игра с ралита за Атари-то, но много бързо ми омръзна. После почнах да свиря на пиано.

Свиренето на пиано развива стратегическото мислене и фината моторика на пръстите. Виждаш някакви точки, чертички и ченгелчета и някакъв неврон изпраща информация от мозъка до мозъка: „Аре бе, да не си мислиш, че ще станеш следващия Моцарт“. После свириш.

Като малка не че не ми даваха да свиря на пиано, а просто нямаше на какво да свиря. За сметка на това гледах много „Том и Джери“.

Анимационните филми развиват въображението. Аз като малка гледах анимационни филми с часове. После някакви неврони, информация, знаеш – и си въобразявах, че съм адски добра в компютърните игри и пианото.

После пораснах и вече в нищо не бях добра.

Round numbers and straight lines

2011-10-31T11:16:00.003+01:00

Round numbers are the only thing that keeps the world

from falling apart

in the abyss of decimal marks -

decimal marks that are nothing more than comas

and yet so much more.

Today my life is 2,78.

I choose to slip into a coma.

Jullie zijn mijn Hemel

2011-08-10T12:10:00.000+02:00

To Sophie and Esmée

It's been a while now, almost 5 years, actually - and I can finally say it out loud. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left and I never came back. I'm sorry I didn't call or write.

I still love you, you know. Not a single day passes by without me thinking about you. Trying to imagine how you look, how much you've grown up. I wonder how many languages you speak, now - you've always been good with languages.

I miss you. I miss you so much. Your laugh. Your crying. Your tiny hands around me. It hurts so much, not being to see you, to hug you, to talk to you. It's killing me.

I still love you, you know. And I won't stop missing you.

Give thanks

2011-08-08T01:07:00.002+02:00

I am so grateful that I have enough people with whom to share my travels so that I never have to search for travel companions on sad and lonely sites as CouchSurfing.

iHeart

2011-07-19T22:29:00.000+02:00

Berlin, I love you
I love your cold, cold streets
the tower in the middle
(or what is middle to me)
the Swiss embassy building that was never destroyed during the war
the pretzels on the streets
the streets
the cold, cold streets
Berlin, I love you

Love advisors

2011-02-10T00:07:00.001+01:00

He's the age of my father

I'm the age of his wife

He has the wisdom of time

I have just lost my innocence

"Go to him", says the man who's the age of my father

Then he goes to his wife

Out of all the men I will be loving,

you're the unconditional one.

Social awareness

2011-01-15T22:58:00.000+01:00

I live my life by this set of rules I have invented for myself. I choose to follow every rule or change one when I need to.

I choose to let my crooked posture show the striking pain in my back. I choose not to show when I'm hurt in another way. I choose to drag my feet. To bite my nails. To be overweight.

I choose to be the person who I am, even when I don't particularly like this person. I choose to open up and shut out. I choose to speak and to be quiet.

It is my choice to never dance or smile. I hate the wrinkles that laughing can give me. I choose the things the like and not.

I choose to love the person whom I love, to get annoyed at him, to let him love me and be mad at me.

I choose to walk the streets at night in winter and pretend it's spring. To watch the cars. To blink at the lights. I choose to have a narrative and a soundtrack for every moment of my life as I watch same life go by and have a life of its own.

Being raised to be completely free, I chose to live my life by a playbook. Today I'm always brutally aware that I live. It sucks.

Celebrations

2010-12-28T01:35:00.002+01:00

When someone sends you a link to that really funny cat video on YouTube and you don't laugh at all, you know you've entered that very, very sad stage of your life when you are no longer young or fun.

As hard as you try to deny it, you've let all the awesome slip through your hands and there is nothing you can do to get it back. Just take a deep breath and look at the gloomy years ahead of you.

Happy 26th, kiddo.

New Amsterdam

2010-12-04T21:58:00.001+01:00

Remember that time when we met in that Irish pub and we talked about our fathers? I'm sure you do. The conversation was so intense, so dense that even then I knew I will always remember that time we met in the Irish pub and talked about our fathers.

Today I see you picture in the paper, accompanying your stunning celeb wife. You two look great together but I can tell you haven't changed. So if you ever feel like sharing how does it feel to be a father, my number's still the same.

The Golden Ticket

2010-11-11T10:18:00.000+01:00

What if real love only happens once? What if I already wasted my golden ticket to the crazy, absorbing, fervent love experience? No, wait, there's no way real love only happens once. That's absolutely impossible.

And yet, I keep meeting people, getting in and out of relationships and failing to fall madly in love.

Don't get me wrong, baby. I don't regret loving you the way I loved you. I just wish to love again - and someone, who deserves it.

Music brings us love and love brings music

2010-11-08T14:38:00.000+01:00

She's 6. Plays the piano and composes. There is a team of tutors behind her, helping her develop her talent.

"What is your hope for her?" - a reporter asks her mom.

"To be happy." - her mom responds.

And suddenly it all makes sense. She's loved. That's why she has the music in her heart.

Dance with me

2010-11-07T20:50:00.002+01:00

It was 4 years ago when I last went out. A Christmas party, the occasion was, and you were there. It wasn't until almost everyone went home that you danced with me. I never knew you danced and you surprised me - so wonderful and natural it all felt.

Early in the morning you walked me to my door and kissed me. Then you never ever called me again.

I haven't gone out since.

Long time no see

2010-10-17T01:08:00.000+02:00

How many years has it's been? Six, maybe seven? He says he can't remember who I was and I find it hard to believe it.

I was still a child back then, and I didn't understand him. Or maybe he was still a child and spoke a different language.

Then we meet again. Now he remembers.

"I remember your lips", he says. Then he says he understands why I was so harsh to him. "Back then I didn't realize people see how amazing you are and want you all for themselves".

Now that's an image of myself I would have never imagined or seen. At least we speak the same language now.

The Twitter whale

2010-09-24T16:38:00.000+02:00

I'm going through my Twitter feed. I haven't been on Twitter for a few days now and I'm catching up. I hate everything I'm seeing.

I hate the link to that online shop, selling the Amsterdam necklace. I love the necklace. I love Amsterdam. I can't afford the Amsterdam necklace and they don't ship to my country.

I hate the link to the heartbreaking story about a malnourished and neglected orphan. It breaks my heart and I need it functioning.

I hate all the positiveness people tweet about. Life sucks. Accept it already.

I hate the link to the new TV spot of a silly local brand. Their advertising agency should be fired, then bancrupt.

I hate it that people tweet through their lives, pretending they care. They don't.

I'm logging off now.

Choose wise

2010-09-21T23:42:00.000+02:00

The lifestyle choises we make are never good enough; they're all wrong and painful.

Sometimes it takes jumping off a building and breaking your arm in three places to realize how lonely you are. "Are you alright?" people would ask you while you bleed out, and you would answer, "I'm ok, just terribly lonely". And you may even cry a little. A cast is put around your arm and in a while you seem to forget and get back to your inability of making reasonable life choises.

I wish my friends would read my blog so next time I feel terribly lonely I may not have to jump off a building.

S

2010-09-11T13:47:00.002+02:00

S is for September.

And for sadness, shhh!, shut up, SHUT UP!!!, Schubert, say what?

S is multifunctional. It leads to Some other things.

Baby shower

2010-08-28T22:05:00.000+02:00

I haven't seen her in a year. She's six months pregnant now and wants me to help her pick a name for her unborn daughter. I tell her the name I have picked for my own unborn daughter. She likes it and I tell her she can have it. I don't plan on having children anyway.

She has chosen to be single mom. I have chosen to be a single mom's friend. This is who we are.

We start to plan the baby shower.

Golden mean

2010-08-26T17:55:00.002+02:00

I knew a woman who always thought small. Her home was small, her family was small, her dreams and wishes were small. Never wishing for something big and impossible, she always got what she wanted. She ended up spoiled rotten.

I also knew a woman who always dreamt big. But she was lazy. She had huge ambition but her lazyness never let her reach out and achieve. She ended up lonely and miserable.

And there I was, between these two women, trying to figure out my own dreams. Did I even have dreams? Did I think I could change the world? Did I want to?

"Sometimes the golden mean is all you can ask for", the voice of my dad coming from far, far away as the sun rises and shines its light all over my face. I wake up and I feel golden and just a tiny bit mean.

Vandals and villains

2010-08-04T00:53:00.004+02:00

Today I had a man arrested. I tried to put myself into his shoes and it seemed that from his own perspective he was right to do what he did. Yet his arrogance got to me, I called the police and soon enough the man's wife was pointing a finger at me and asking whether I had kids.

"Kids are irrelevant. I'm not the villain here", I said, and moved aside.

I knew he was right for himself and I knew I should have felt regret. I didn't. I got scared tho - that this psychopath will find me and will vandalize my endorfin-producing body. Then I would die because my mind is not yet big enough to survive on its own.

Funny thing, guilt. Never there when you need it.

Dropping out

2010-08-02T19:54:00.003+02:00

Dinner with my parents. Just before the desert, the usual interrogation starts. “So, darling, when are you getting your university diploma?”

I take a deep breath and make my announcement. I do not plan to graduate. Instead, I’m going to culinary school.

My mother faints. My father is amused.

After an act that resembles a CPR and the chocolate cake I have baked for desert, my mother looks at me. Doesn’t say anything but her face has disappointment written all over it. At this point I have completed my curriculum and all I have to do to graduate is write my thesis. I can’t even drop out properly.

I guess this is why my mom is disappointed.

Sonnet #30

2010-08-01T13:15:00.003+02:00

He reads Shakespeare's sonnets out loud while I browse through Us Weekly.

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought

I summon up remembrance of things past,

I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,

And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:

Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,

For precious friends hid in death's dateless night,

And weep afresh love's long since cancell'd woe,

And moan the expense of many a vanish'd sight:

Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,

And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er

The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,

Which I new pay as if not paid before.

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.

Then we talk. About stuff. Chelsea Klinton's wedding. Weddings in generals (are these or are these not the loveliest parties mankind knows to throw?!). Remembrance. Dreams and how we never remember the beginning of a dream (we saw that in a movie). As we talk, our conversation gets deeper and deeper and we almost reach the core of the Earth and life.

Then he goes out on the porch and lighst a cigarette. I walk behind him, very quietly, and light the candles on the porch. Make it cosy. We sit in the dark, he smokes. I browse through my Us Weekly.

The piano room

2010-07-31T22:08:00.002+02:00

I'm six. My mother walks into the piano room. "Keep playing, darling, your music is lovely!" she says. I keep playing. My fingers are tiny and some chords seem almost impossible but I stretch my little hands and my entire body and my soul. My mother sits quietly behind me and listens. I watch her reflection in the polished piano as I play.

* * *

I'm almost seven. My mother walks into the piano room, says nothing. My fingers are still tiny but my mind is huge as I compose and play and play and play. The huge brown piano has stopped being scary long ago. I try to see my mother's reflection in its surface but I can't. Can she really exist in this particular reality?

* * *

I'm seven and a half. My piano room is now a walk-in closet. My piano is gone. Pity - my fingers are now long enough to play any chord, any song, anything. My mother walks into the living room and says, "Finish your homework, darling, and I'll bake you some cookies." "Can I have my piano back?", I ask. "But darling, we have never had a piano".

But I know we did.

.

2009-11-05T21:14:00.001+01:00

Нямам проблем със заспиването -

честно -

само шумовете ме будят,

а шумове много

в тая тухлена сграда.

И спрях да заспивам –

не си струва усилията.

Вместо това мисля себе си

в снимки

облегната на стената

(от тухли)

в 38 нюанса на синьото;

ще ми се да беше близо

а ти в топлата си държава

едва ли мислиш такива неща

живееш до плажа.

.

2009-07-06T14:26:00.001+02:00

Пак се чувствам както когато

В малките часове на нощта правя разни неща за теб

Но ти си само заместител

.

2009-06-22T12:36:00.003+02:00

В математиката няма дефиниция за точка

и по силата на света ми точките не съществуват

опорните точки

дробовете ми се задъхват

и се връщат в началото

където геометрията нямаше значение

три дни не нахраних котката

на четвъртия котката ме изяде

Точки

2007-10-20T21:22:00.001+02:00

Докато говоря с Юнуз, който е нейде из Лондон и псуваме ужасния първи сняг, се чувствам извън пространството и времето. Заради сбъркания ми режим ще да е, но може би не само.Разменям смс-и, мейли и всякакви други съобщения до безобразни точки на света, а онзи, който работи през 2 преки, не намира време да вдигне телефона.Освен всичко - много холандски дизайн, много холандска носталгия и няколко снимки от София, за да спазя дадено обещание; не знам дали забеляза, но тази година есента в нашия град трая само ден; миналата година имахме дълга и слънчева есен.

09-13-2006

2006-09-13T09:54:00.000+02:00

Сънувам много кошмари и гледам
да не спя
много
очите ми
притежават собствени сенки

някой казва, че пръстите го болят от имейли
а аз не харесвам особено този някой
но бих го прегърнала
защото и аз съм stranger in the night
и нощните шумове не са още мои

сутрините на тринайстите числа от месеците
винаги са много тежки кофеинови
когато се връщам от моята си реалност
ми е лошо заради часовата разлика.

09-11-2006

2006-09-11T21:47:00.000+02:00

Денят ми мина в търсене на
- една банка на Дондуков (а много са банките там, да знаете!)
- някое еволюционно откритие
- един мейл (по-скоро чакане, нейсе)
- дефиниция на думата "нейсе".

Утре пак ще се търсят много неща
повечето особено смислени
и ако четеш тук -
моля те, напиши ми го онзи мейл.

Update #3: Ok, you proved me wrong. Some people do read here so I promise no to be posting in Bulgarian too much. Peace out!

OUCH

2006-09-09T20:58:00.000+02:00

This blog is experiencing some technical difficulties. It's going to stay that ugly until I manage to fix them.

Thank you for your patience!

Update: It's actually going to stay like this a little bit longer. Like forever or at least the next time I decide to do something with the way it looks. Ah well, just let it wait for better times.

Another update: I've been monitoring the daily visits of the blog for a few days now and I must say it's not quite fair. Some people (quite a few, actually!) ask me to blog in English and never visit my site to read it, so sorry guys. Converting back to Bulgarian (or at least most of the times).

09-05-2006

2006-09-05T14:47:00.001+02:00

Typing all night
and all day
and I feel alive
and Lily's there for me

Just another checklist:

smile
sing
wear stilettos and lipstick

Can do all.

09-01-2006

2006-09-01T21:07:00.000+02:00

As of now, oficially.

"Sun is in the sky oh why oh why
would I wanna be anywhere else?"

She's talking London
I'm talking somewhere else
but we both know
where we belong;

I know what it takes
to get there;
will do whatever.

Like, anything.

08-30-2006

2006-08-30T10:58:00.000+02:00

All the headhunters love me,
bad luck makes a turn
and still complicates the situation;

the keys under my fingers are softer than ever,
the clouds are grey enough,
so I write and write

that other me inside is kinda tamed,
keeping her busy came out as a good idea.

Bottomline: it's all about ideas,
but it's more about bad ideas fullstop

08-25-2006

2006-08-25T11:05:00.000+02:00

Samantha: I have to ask you a question.
It's a good one so think about it.
If two people love each other,
but they just can't seem to get it together,
when do you get to that point of
enough is enough?

Jerry: Never. *

Well, that answer's not necessarily right.
Not in any case, anyway.

*Dialogue quoted from "The Mexican" movie.

08-24-2006

2006-08-24T18:47:00.000+02:00

I don't know,
I swear I don't know!

(screaming) Stop asking me all those questions!!!

*embraces her head in her arms and commits suicide*

08-23-2006

2006-08-23T14:43:00.000+02:00

Checklist for the weekly tasks:

* be Cinderella for a day;
* catch up with the emails;
* take all the wrong decisions possible;
* spin around till you fall on the ground;

All done.

08-18-2006

2006-08-18T19:22:00.000+02:00

Pufff... too flippin hot these days

job interviews
little successes
hot showers
cold mojito's

I'm homesick
and don't even bother telling me
that i'm actually home;
as I've said before,
it's a very relative term.

08-17-2006

2006-08-17T22:29:00.000+02:00

"Don't drink Coke Light", Otto said,
and saved Ana's eyes
and offered her a piece of skin

"I'm yours", she wrote on it
with nails.

"You're mine",
I would have written.

08-16-2006

2006-08-16T21:50:00.000+02:00

One would never believe what I'm
waiting for now: some water to boil.

Yep, I'm cooking.
It always seemed like science fiction to me
but now I'm cooking for. Proved easy.

08-13-2006

2006-08-13T21:47:00.000+02:00

Gettin my resume ready
for just another job search,
I fill in "outstanding organizational skills";

being home for almost a week,
I still haven't unpacked.
So much for my skills.

Miss you all, Hilversum expats!

08-11-2006

2006-08-11T15:54:00.000+02:00

Yep, I'm back... there.
So many lives to catch up with,

so much to do

I can manage. I can.

08-07-2006

2006-08-07T21:26:00.000+02:00

Today is the day
when it's only me, Bjork and the luggage

the luggage is too much, too flippin' much
Bjork's never too much
the time is too little
all the time in the world is too little

"How much is infinity?", asks Sophie,
"You can't count to infinity, sweetie,
even I can't", I say
and bust her made-up myth
that I am almighty;
her two big hazelnut eyes meet mine,
she hugs me and says -
"It's ok, Vanina, I still love you this much"
and her tiny arms embrace the Universe
to show
how
much
we love each other.

08-06-2006

2006-08-06T21:42:00.000+02:00

Moving objects from one place to another;
removing pictures from the wall;
moving out;
moving in.

Moving on.

08-03-2006 - II

2006-08-03T23:37:00.000+02:00

The blood coming out of my gingiva
tastes funny

I don't need these teeth any more.

"Cosmetics Bag - Made in China"
and all the tiny things in it I'll never use
make me happy;
how sad is that.

*She smiles, and bows, and leaves the stage*

08-03-2006

2006-08-03T00:40:00.000+02:00

Kinda want to be mean
but she's just so adorable;

getting closer
to a flight
to a place at the other end of the world
to a person, who IS;
just gettin' closer.

5 days to go;
I'll be homesick
when home.

08-01-2006

2006-08-01T10:03:00.000+02:00

Heavy rain drops on my face
three tiny kids with three tiny umbrelas
walk in a row in front of me
sing songs
like three tiny movie stars
in my own movie -
and the academy award goes to -

one of the kids is gone on the way back
and it doesn't rain anymore
but i still feel so speechless;

the next morning I wake up
fallen in love with a picture.

07-31-2006

2006-07-31T23:59:00.000+02:00

Времето не е параметър
в хипер реалността ми
не и днес

всякакви други перцепции
нямат особено значение -
часовниците са навсякъде,
тиктакат в дигиталния си ритъм
и променят течни кристали
по чужди монитори;

Рецепторите на езика ми измръзват.

07-28-2006

2006-07-28T13:02:00.000+02:00

Sometimes all the bad news comes at the same time
sometimes it's more than bad
Most of the times, she knows;
sits in my lap and hugs me.

We're too young to attend funerals.

07-27-2006

2006-07-27T17:51:00.000+02:00

Lost my voice today;
took me ages to find it.

Turned out I had put it
in my suitcase
already
ready
to
leave.

07-25-2006

2006-07-25T14:51:00.000+02:00

Eventually, we all come home.

Sometimes the plants have died,
'cause there was noone to water them;
sometimes the mail is blocking the entrance
and sometimes everything's just right.

The way it should be.

07-24-2006

2006-07-24T22:17:00.000+02:00

Reading
Sofia
people

Sofia taste in my mouth.

07-22-2006

2006-07-22T20:56:00.000+02:00

When Alice met Alice:
Wonderland vs. Nebraska;
omg, she's only sixteen.

I need Gwen,
I need caffeine, cocaine, codeine,
I need.

Already feels like home
like autumn
like abstinence
lack
orange&brown
tears
feels like "goodbye"

ah, well -
at least it feels.

07-21-2006

2006-07-21T12:57:00.000+02:00

- Tell me what you want!
- Tell me what I want.

Compromising
standing by
talking
supporting
more talking

07-20-2006

2006-07-20T15:57:00.000+02:00

I so hate men crying on the phone
and yet, I kinda love it;

sometimes I disregard the signs
and take the wrong way home;
sometimes I walk the right way
but reach the wrong home...
but in the end all that matters
is the people I love.

And that man on the phone.

07-19-2006

2006-07-19T09:15:00.000+02:00

Watched a movie and switched the player off;
read a book and put it back on the shelf;
met a friend and said goodbye;
wrote an email and sent it.

All I want is my simple schizo life back.

07-14-2006

2006-07-14T18:19:00.000+02:00

Brushing my hair from the wrong side,
I want to reverse anything wrong
and be a buttefly
and cause effects
and change and change and change...

Today I'm officially Her Majesty Alice.
Of Wonderland.

07-12-2006

2006-07-12T12:05:00.000+02:00

Someone says: wish you were here.
I know it's not about me
but I wish, oh I wish
that I was missed as much as I miss.

Simon says: don't be silly.

07-11-2006

2006-07-11T19:28:00.000+02:00

Booking my ticket took me 2 minutes on the phone;
then 2 hours to recover.

I hate staying and I hate leaving.

If anyone got a "wellcome" goodie bag
at any airport,
should happyness be included?

I miss him so much, that it physically hurts.

07-08-2006

2006-07-08T01:27:00.000+02:00

Trading intimacy for convenience -
is it all that simple when it comes
to everyday gadgets?
Naming my laptop&camera seemed like a good idea,
now I feel a bit pathetic but hey - that's me,
I'm glad to meet you!
Sashko and Kylie are good friends,
they comfort me keeping my memories,
I try to comfort them upgrading.

Had a nice discussion tonight,
gave me lots of bread for my mind -
don't have to put up
with the crumble-thoughts,
not tonight.

And the greatest thing: I inspired someone;
some many people I'm gonna miss in only 4 weeks.

07-07-2006

2006-07-07T18:02:00.000+02:00

Running out of cigarettes,
I smoke one of the 4 that I hid
and then used as pillars to put a world on;
a universe collapsed.

You can still find me there,
digging in the ruins
to find the other 3 cigarettes.

Well, yeah - these days are days for grieving.

07-06-2006

2006-07-06T16:02:00.000+02:00

My mind is wandering between this world
and another world, both of them painfully existent;
I see people here, and then I see them in the other universe,
doing other things.

Only me, only I'm the same everywhere,
every time,
and only I change.

P.S. A close friend left the Earth,
I hope she finds a new home soon;
I'm gonna miss her.

07/ 04/ 2006

2006-07-04T12:21:00.000+02:00

It's someone else's national holiday today
I'm passing the right of being homesick to them,
just remember to return it tomorrow.

Ordered Lars&Bjork's masterpiece,
the girl behind the counter smiles
and asks me for my number;
I look at her confused,
"To call you when the DVD arrives", she says
and smiles again, and smiles...

To all my American friends, happy 4th of July!

To Ola and Dwight - happy Jazzybelle!
Let her be the light of your lives.
(OMG! I'm so excited!!!)

07/ 02/ 2006 - 2

2006-07-02T22:38:00.000+02:00

They took away her music,
she gave them her eyes
and her son, who she had
because she just wanted to hold a little baby,
she gave him eyes, too;

She was an alien,
and she always kept her tiny planet
where she would have had a heart
if she was one on us;

she gave us eyes,
we took away her music.

Dancing in the dark
my nails leave deep marks in the wood
and I cry without a reason
and I sing without a reason
my arms are white, my hands are white,
and I keep watching and seeing
and crying and singing

Thank you, Lars.

Платено съобщение

2006-07-02T12:51:00.000+02:00

I know you read, I know you read,
please - write to me!

On my shopping list:
- wisdom & strength, 2 packs of each,
for me and you to share.

07/ 02/ 2006

2006-07-02T12:43:00.000+02:00

Amongst all things I could possibly write about,
there's only one forbidden
and that is what I want to write about.
Trying to write codes
to be decoded by the smartest ones
is really really hard,
I'm not that bright but still hope they get it;

babysat for 18 kids last night,
all between 2 and 12, all running around like crazy;
failed, of course.
I don't want to do that any more,
not any more.

06/ 30/ 2006

2006-06-30T18:18:00.000+02:00

My eyes are paralized
my head is made of stone

the TV speaks to me in mother tongue
and yes, "George and the Butterflies" it is;
at first I smile,
and then I stop (which is my way of crying) -
a sad sad sad movie about hope.
Makes me want to stay here forever
and never go back to where people do care
in their own, schizophrenic way
and don't give up, dont give up...

Only I give up, scared to death by this world.

And the butterflies.

06/ 26/ 2006 - 2

2006-06-26T13:08:00.000+02:00

I don't like stupid people.

06/ 26/ 2006

2006-06-26T11:08:00.000+02:00

Being haunted by my own dreams and words,
I succeed to escape;
winning against myself has never been so nice.

Kids having vacation again, 3rd time in a month and a half;
the Dutch are definitely the laziest nation in this Solar system
and in any other.

6 weeks to go.

06/ 22/ 2006

2006-06-22T13:46:00.000+02:00

Amongst all blogs I read
only 2 postings on the Depeche Mode concert,
three together with this one.
I'm pissed off I missed it.

Anything irritates my eyes lately
but what drives me crazy the most
are the natural blondes walking around
with no right of existence,
ant yet - there they are.

Press escape and terminate the application.

06/ 20/ 2006

2006-06-20T22:27:00.000+02:00

Things repeating themselves too fast
another year has rolled for someone,
happy birthday & MHR.

Kids out of control
substitute mothers struggling
real ones - not there again

They don't know yet
but it's 7 more weeks
till I'm out of here.

06/ 18/ 2006

2006-06-18T09:41:00.000+02:00

Waking up confused
I don't know this scenery
I don't know this people

The email that I get
would have made me cry in any other life
but now and here I don't cry
unless it's an emergency.

The line is dead. I'm not.

06/ 16/ 2006

2006-06-16T19:36:00.000+02:00

Are there natural born
killers
writers
actors
or one learns how to do these?

Don't really want to know
but I declare:
J. Lewis is the ugliest woman
ever to be shot on/for sreen.

И Галя от "Сатен", разбира се.

06/ 14/ 2006

2006-06-14T16:37:00.000+02:00

Baking cookies is wrong, so damn wrong -
cookies should be bought carelessly at the local supermarket,
they're just a n emotionless supplement to your coffee;

baking gives me a false sense of coziness
but I don't need that feeling
I want to be sad and angry I want to be homesick
frustrated
eccentric
annoyed
arrogant
fake
makes you look cool here;

Baking cookies is wrong.

06/ 12/ 2006

2006-06-12T09:29:00.000+02:00

Being homo ludens proves to be not much of a fun
sorry, Mr. Huizinga - time to grow up.

"Auto arrange" doesn't work any more for my brain icons
did it manually last night;
it was hard but i did it, happy with the alphabetical order
now that I have everything classified,
I can say "Good night, baby".

06/ 10/ 2006

2006-06-10T20:15:00.000+02:00

Sewing a button is quite hard
when your mind and your eyes are preoccupied
with people miles away;

wandering thoughts, mixing colors,
so free within my four walls and a half;

Looking after people
while I actually need someone
to look after me.

06/ 08/ 2006

2006-06-08T16:01:00.000+02:00

I will talk to people today
I will talk to peopla today
I will talk to people...

The old lady in the store wants to know
if I like the Dutch
"Sure", I nod and try on another pair of glasses
She smiles with a smile that probably glows in the dark
she's happy
I lied.

Couldn't care less about the Dutch.

And yet, I keep talking to people today.

06/ 07/ 2006

2006-06-08T03:40:00.000+02:00

Tonight I'm anything but strong,
set free in y concrete jungle
half the world away;
little fluffy clouds
take me to the place I love -
that's my vanilla sky tonight.

We have died already
but i'm no angel yet;

God put a smile o your face
and you can't help whispering
that nothing really matters
but I guess anything matters now;

Not coming home was the sweetest goodbye;
giving myself away is ok
now that I don't belong to you.
The sand in my shoes is the only reminder
that tonight I'm anything but strong.

P.S. My evening in song titles is not that exciting at all.

06/ 05/ 2006

2006-06-05T18:45:00.000+02:00

Lara fighting
people writing
me - too lazy to read

The dvd borrowed from my friends is ok
she's Polish, he's from Surinam
the subtitles - Bulgarian

Screwed up the pancakes
but I had good intentions
ate out, had fun.

Everything lost is meant to be found.
Everything screwed up... - wait,
that's not a real quote.

Обърнете внимание: / Please note:

2006-06-03T22:23:00.001+02:00

Отсега нататък този блог ще бъде списван на английски поради проявения интерес от страна на англоeзични потенциални читатели.
Събитията в Ink ще продължат да се развиват на български поради естеството на публикуваната там информация. Когато е възможно, ще предоставям и превод, разбира се само ако не ме домързи.

From now on this blog will be written in English due to the interest shown from English-speaking potential readers.
The events on Ink will continue to happen in Bulgarian due to the nature of information published there. When possible, I will provide a translation, unless I am too lazy to do so.

06/ 02/ 2006

2006-06-02T17:45:00.000+02:00

Lonely as hell
sad and grey
sterile and shiny:
airports.

Wish I went there today
just as I wished yesterday
even just to meet someone
or wander around the shops
or watch the sad faces of people
leaving
or passing by before
leaving again;
everyone heading home
which is a relative term.

Being adaptive saves loads of worries
especially in terms of determining
"home".

05/ 26/ 2006

2006-05-26T18:07:00.000+02:00

Днес дори и Моби не помага.
Един и същи сън 8 пъти. В една и съща нощ.

Важен човек отказва да ме подкрепи.

Ебала съм му майката на всичко
/на чист български/.

Bottomline: затваряме за ремонт.
Намерете си друго място за убиване на времето.

05/ 25/ 2006

2006-05-25T17:58:00.000+02:00

Несъответсвието между хората и града -
това тревожи Елина
това тревожи и мен
това моят град ли е

Нещата се променят по-бързо
отколкото мога да противодействам
всичко е ново
но не задължително по-добро
мога да избягам/не се върна
но този-който-се-е-примирил-с-промяната
ме дърпа обратно
/което не е задължително по-лошо но не е и добро/

Не-моята музика, не-моите снимки
моите думи обаче
на един не-мой диск
не искам не искам не искам
L stands for loser
L also stands for love
lilies labyrinth lace ladyfingers lap
last laughter learn
how
to
lose

05/ 24/ 2006

2006-05-24T19:46:00.000+02:00

Нана сигурно е прекрасна в светлата си рокля
с прекрасните си 2ма кавалери
ще ми се да съм свидетел на събитието
но нямаше как...
Пратениците ми си изпълняват задачката ревностно
Въобще, всичко би могло да е наред.

На теория.

Чудя се дали профи жонгльорите
оставят топките да паднат в края на номера.

Смешни сънища
тъп филм
Есме е звяр, но я обичам
един липсващ човек
/дано се намери, притеснявам се много/
Какви ли не щуротии се случват...

И все пак, дано Е. се намери;
fingers crossed.

05/ 19/ 2006

2006-05-19T19:59:00.000+02:00

От вятъра е, няма от какво друго -
попвърхнините се изкривяват
мъжете отиват на кино с грешни жени
други жени въобще не отиват на кино
децата плачат повече от необходимото
от вятъра е, няма от какво друго

В личен план -
1ви сезон на Саут Парк
испански филм без субтитри
не срещам Джо Блек
обикалям по магазини
такива неща.

О, и една Сенсео -
ах, тази оранжева Сенсео
трябва да я притежавам.

05/ 18/ 2006

2006-05-18T09:38:00.000+02:00

Драскам по монитора
да - чу ме - по монитора
не ме е грижа
някой неща в живота са по-важни
от течните кристали
на липсващи комуникации

Софи рисува човечета
шест пръста на едната ръка 4 на другата
важното е че все ги докарва до десет.

Всъщност крайния сбор ли е важен
или каквото правиш преди това?

05/ 17/ 2006

2006-05-17T13:27:00.000+02:00

Забравям, записвам си
и забравям да чета записаното

важни неща и неважни неща
важното е, че забравям

бих искала да имам Алцхаймер
или друго разумно оправдание
но аз просто не съм тук,
не и в този свят,
а някъде другаде.

П.П. И той съвсем ме е забравил.
Няма ме между думите му.

05/ 15/ 2006

2006-05-15T16:06:00.000+02:00

Блоговете не са за да се честитят
рождените дни на някакви хора;
поне някои не са за това.

Иначе май е месецът, през който
много хора, които познавам,
са решили да се родят. Congrats on the choice.

Мързеливото свърши,
малкият дзвер ще прекарва с мен
екстра ден всяка седмица.
Нищо де, аз си я обичам.

05/ 10/ 2006

2006-05-10T09:08:00.000+02:00

Ваканцията ме направи мързелива
не искам да правя нищо нищо нищо

отпразнувах день пабедъй подобаващо-
Hennes&Mauritz никак не ме разочароваха
и този път.

Ммммммммм, лято е.

04/ 30/ 2006

2006-04-30T22:13:00.000+02:00

Пясъчния замък на брега на Атлантика
коктейлите в двора на въпросния замък
кава и клуб сандвич

имам си всичко
просто някои неща не са точно при мен.

04/ 28/ 2006

2006-04-28T10:45:00.000+02:00

Самолетите изтощават,
сигурно е от налягането...
- Boarding pass, please.
- Разбира се.
Петзвездният хотел, снобите,
руумсързиз?
Не, благодаря.

Важното е, че Есме има рожден ден.

04/ 24/ 2005

2006-04-24T19:48:00.000+02:00

Сенките на птиците ме стряскат
но все пак съм навън
и съм под слънцето
и затова има сянка

Снощи някой пусна
златната ми рибка в мивката
а аз обичах гадинката
и се уплаших
преди няколко дни 2 елена ми пречеха
да виждам телевизора.
Ебаси животинското подсъзнание.

04/ 23/ 2006

2006-04-23T16:43:00.000+02:00

Днес, когато в БГ е Векликден,
един познат и една непозната се занимават с мен
не са съгласни със житейските ми избори
а аз си мисля, че сигурно са много самотни,
щом на празника правят това.

Иначе гледам филм, който е супер обикновен
обаче много лично ме засяга
става ми леко неприятно и леко некомфортно
от вътрешната страна на кожата.

Сега ще си догледам филма
и ще попиша малко интровертна поезия
ха ха

04/ 21/ 2006

2006-04-21T10:56:00.000+02:00

През април най-после свикнах да пиша 2006.

Иначе през последната една година съм изпратила
1074 мейла + един, който изтрих;
не съм много комуникативна явно.

179 GB трафик за 20 дни - ето това вече
е качествена комуникация.

Хайде, стига толкова цифри.
Ето малко позитивни неща:
започнах отново да пиша
топло е
пиша в градината
усещам вятъра с кожата на краката си
обичам да е пролет.

04/ 19/ 2006

2006-04-19T08:59:00.000+02:00

It's been forever, I know.

Америкън Ийстър с ег хънт
роуст грейви машд пътейтоус
Аманда Тод Теса София
Рейчъл Рой Лита и Уил Смит.
Хубаво, хубаво беше.

След седмица - Тенерифе.
Но проблемос, сеньорита,
уайърлесът е навсякъде,
коктейлите са студени;
хич не ми се ходи обаче.

04/ 14/ 2006

2006-04-14T19:22:00.000+02:00

Снощи, докато крадох нарциси, ...
... нищо не се случи.

*Кокошката е цялата от шоколад,
хваля се.

04/ 13/ 2006

2006-04-13T14:08:00.000+02:00

- I'm loosing it!
- Take it out!

Love cats се казва песента, която слушам;
не знам какво означава,
не съм слушала думите,
и може би ние сме влюбени котки
или обичаме котките
или каквото и да имат предвид -
това е песента, която слушам.

04/ 10/2006

2006-04-10T01:18:00.000+02:00

Само след няколко часа Надя излита обратно
последни грижи за Сашко
и опит да се сбогувам; не мога обаче.

Слагам тикчета
и хиксчета
и драскам

мамка му.

04/ 08/ 2006

2006-04-08T23:40:00.000+02:00

Като да съм се надрусала,
като да съм направила най-дългия трип,
правя какво ли не -
неща, на които не съм способна;
слагам запетаите където трябва,
и другите знаци.

Хага с Рейч, Мел, Нана и др. съкр.
Супер ден, супер ден!
Аз съм вещица и се оправям с времето!

Утре - последно.
Амстердамммммммм
Джанин, Орелия, Нана, може би дори Мел;
време е да злоупотребим с леки дроги.
Ouch.

04/ 07/ 2006

2006-04-07T01:16:00.000+02:00

Ядосвам някого тази вечер,
но вината е shareware;
прибързаните ни заключения
прерастват в привързани.

Искам да подаря харддиска си
като послание -
a 21st-century romance.

Ей такива сме днешното поколение.

03/31/2006

2006-03-31T15:40:00.000+02:00

Последния ден на месеца
този март изчезна неусетно между пръстите

вятърът завихря добри новини
и не знам да се смея ли или да плача

Снощи насън отново ме преследваха
две деца, които познавам
този път не бягах от тях
и ми казаха имената си*.

Между дяволититет погледи
и розовите балетни палци
аз се разтварям и все пак успявам да се събудя.

*Стела-София и Панайот. Напълно подходящо като за насън.